Most Politically Incorrect & Offensive ParodyEver
by WishingBlue
Summary: Title says it all, folks. George W. Bush has proclaimed himself to be King George II: King of the Holy Empire of the Americaverse! I'm going to burn for this....


Episode One: Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

_The Red Banner…must be retrieved…capitalist pigs crushed…find the Banner…the princess…remember the teachings…remember. _ It goes without saying anyone, especially an over zealot liberal teenage girl for that matter could not even begin to fathom what the ever living hell was going on.. Instead of being troubled, it was dismissed as an overactive imagination with the vows of never again to experiment with LSD.

The dawn brought promises of a glorious morning, the sleepy city of Milwaukee with its over 100 homicides. in one year. All the residents of that quiet, fair city were still sleeping. All except for one little girl. The blue jay wished to spread its joy in song to a normally joyless soul.

"All right you bastard," Kayla snarled as she loaded her shotgun. "I believe I gave you a fair warning yesterday. Now you, pay. Did you think I was kidding? Well! DID YOU?"

One last chirp was emitted from Benny, the Blue Jay. Some would argue that it was his last plea for sympathy, but alas, the shot was heard and unfortunately, the blue jay would no longer live to sing another merry song.

When the task was finished, Kayla tossed the gun over her shoulder and smiled triumphantly. Which soon was replaced as she saw the clock. "I'm late again!" Grabbing her car keys and dashed downstairs, reassuring her mother she was a safe driver.

"May God help us all," Kayla's mother muttered as soon as she heard the tires squealing away from the driveway. Yes, may God help us all, for Kayla did not realize that her life would change forever after today.

- - -

Ignoring the honks from other drivers, Kayla cut off another car as she sped down the roadway. Who really cared if she was recklessly endangering anyone, whatever that meant. If Kayla got one more tardy, it would mean the end of her non-existent social life, for she would…GASP…be serving Saturday detention!

After a while, Kayla got quite fed up with the other drivers and some pedestrians threatening her life, so she turned on the radio, then after finding nothing, switched it off. Whose genius idea was it to put talk radio shows on in the morning?

"Son of a bitches," Kayla muttered as she put a CD in. When she directed her attention back to the road, she vaguely remembered that red lights generally meant stop. (Wise advice.) Slamming on her breaks, Kayla did not realize what happened, but suddenly, something moved across her vision, which soon was accompanied with a scream and a thud.

"Oh my god, I killed," Kayla began, then suddenly lost all momentum. "Ah, forget it." That joke was over-used anyway. Hitting the car in reverse, Kayla rolled down her window to look at the damage. On the street, was a man bleeding profusely. Shit! What was the penalty for murder again?

"Um….are you okay?" Kayla asked weakly. In response, the man just groaned and gave her the middle finger, which the clueless driver mistook for a thumbs up.

She sighed with relief.

"All right then, I see you are fine. I'll just be on my way, okay?" Letting go of the break pedal, Kayla stepped on the gas, not realizing the car was still in reverse, and ran over the man again. Oops.

"Sorry!" She yelled and switched the car in drive, yet again, running over the man. Quickly she glanced around, hoping the guy really was fine and he was in such good spirits as not to get her license plate number, for instance. Hell, it was the guy's fault for jaywalking anyway!

As the junky Ford Tempo speed off, the pathetic man looked at the car receding in the distance Could this estranged murderess perhaps be the one he was dreaming about?

Nah. The chick from his dream was hotter...

- - -

There were things going on in this world completely different from the dilemmas others faced. For a new world menace rose up that very day. "Lets begin this meeting," an ominous figure said whilst sitting on top of his newly erected throne. About the king's head sat a crown made of gold. Stupid for him, he didn't realize gold is a weak metal.

Anyway, these men were evil, EVIL men! Four generals approached before the throne each got on one knee to pledge fealty to the new king.

"I renounce the name Dick Cheny, vice-president of the United States," Dick Cheny said. "In its place, I take on the name Chenyite."

The next one spoke, "I renounce the title Secretary of State, and in turn give up my name Condoleezza Rice. In turn, I shall be known as Condyite."

"I renounce the name Donald Rumsfeld and give up the title Secretary of Defense. In exchange, I pledge my unyielding loyalty to my king and new Master, Karl Rove." Condyite and Chenyite glared at Rumsfeld for having a more elaborate speech than them. He was always such a goody-goody.

Finally, the last spoke. "I John Ashcroft renounce all name and title and will swear fealty to Karl Rove and his appointed king. Henceforth, I shall be known as Ashenite!"

George W. Bush leaned more comfortably on his throne. "Now that is all taken care of, why don't you all help yourselves to the doughnuts and punch I supplied. Unfortunately, I could only get those dar garned Dunkin' Doughnuts and Hawaiian Punch."

Murmur of thanks went out throughout the room. "Now," Bush said through his thick Texan accent, "I need to go threaten the world again. Hot diggity damn, this is going to be a blast! I hope none of the infidel misunderestimate me again." Walking over to the TV screen, Bush pressed the power button and smiled broadly. "Um…darn. Why, hello, everybody…senators, House of Representatives, and you other guys.. As you know, I delivered an ultimatum…is that the right word?" Rumsite nodded. "Anywho, the United States has officially been converted to the Holy Empire and I, am known as King George the II: the ruler of the Holy Empire of the Americaverse. Catchy name, isn't it?"

"Not really," a Wisconsin senator, Russ Finegold muttered. "We as a senate thoroughly oppose your actions and will not stand for a tyranny!"

"Come on Russ," a Wyoming senator groaned. "Give Wyoming a chance to be in the limelight."

"Oh really…okay," King George was quite thoughtfull; he didn't expect any opposition. Chenyite crossed over towards George, with Hawaiian Punch in hand and whispered in his ear.

"My loyal general, Cheny--."

"How IS Dick Cheny a general," questioned a second senator, again from Wisconsin.

"It's Chenyite now!" Chenyite growled.

"As I was saying," George II began. "It seems as if Chenyite made a good point for your dairy state. It's still the dairy state, right? Oh well. In response to your retaliation, it seems despite your Milwaukee school systems being really crummy, you value your reputation. In fact, Jim Doyle, your governor is nothing more than a puppet to the teacher's whining union. Soooo…we are going to blow up a high school and kill some people until you accept us. Bye-bye."

After _that _was done, King George II seemed rather pleased with himself. That speech hadn't gone nearly as bad as the other ones. "Chenyite, I need you to go and destroy a random high school. Just because. I am sure no one will stop you. With your uber cool neat powers Karl Rove gave you and all after serving him." Yep. No one would stop him now. A bunch of older men and women never scared him!

- - -

Not knowing the fate of her life, Kayla, despite the risks of a fine, pulled into the schools parking lot. If they paid $7,000 for school each year, they should have student parking, goddamn it!

Getting out of the car, Kayla ignored any blank stares she was being given. "Is that blood on your tires?" Turning around, Kayla came face-to-face with a student she has seen around the halls, Carrie, she believed her name was. Unlike Kayla's shortness, Carrie seemed relatively tall with long brown hair that cascaded down her back. Her doe-like brown eyes stared quizzically at her.

"Shit," Kayla muttered, then switched into a poorly done German accent. "Ja, mein Kuli! Greetings, I am Katja and come from the Fatherland of Germany!" That should throw her off, the German accent never failed.

"Yes, my pen…? What the hell are you on?" Carrie questioned as Kayla's face flushed. Who would have guessed she could see through her charade AND speak German?

"Okay. Fine. I'll explain why I have blood on my car," quickly Kayla glanced around, and in a second, she made a mad dash towards the school. Suddenly, without any explanation, the whole six floors of the massive building just collapsed on itself.

"So much for ditching," some girl named Krystal muttered.

_Cursed be my own petard,_ Kayla cursed herself. This had to be karma, what was she going to tell the teachers now? 'Sorry, but I couldn't get inside the building before eight o'clock. It y'know, kind of collapsed on itself.' The thought that all of her teachers might be dead never once crossed her mind. Turning around, she wanted to see if Carrie was still there, but there only stood a cute little long furred white cat with shimmering green eyes.

Kayla squealed.

"KITTY EEE!" Picking the loveable cat in her arms, she cradled her for a moment, completely forgetting the fallen building and ignoring the screams of those injured. More imortantly, Kayla completely disregarded the hand of an old man digging up from the rubble.

"Can you stop that?" The cat asked in a snooty voice. "Please?"

Kayla wasn't sure what to do. First she stared, then dropped the kitty, screaming at the top of her lungs.

"Shut up," the cat hissed.

Kayla obliged. "You can talk," she said dumbly.

"Wow," the cat began dryly, "you must be one smart one to figure that one out so fast."

"Why thank you," Kayla said happily to have somebody FINALLY appreciate how smart she truly was. A thought occured to her. "Say…I wonder how much I can sell a talking cat for on Ebay…."

"Will you just shut the hell up," the cat commanded. "My name is Kit. Here's the point, take this wand I will give you, and kill that guy trying to escape from the rubble." The cat tilted her head in the direction of Chenyite. "Got it?"

Doing a flip--quite a feat for a little cat--a wand appeared in the air, floating before Kayla. Grasping it, words came flooding to her.

"Moon Prism Power. Make up!"

….nothing. Pocketing the wand, Kayla rolled her eyes. "Well, that was quite impressive. I think I am going to go home and go back to sleep, if that's all right with you."

"Try it again," Kit ordered.

"No thanks," Kayla said innocently and gestured towards her car. "I'm driving," she explained. Rolling her eyes, Kit leaped on Kayla's neck, her claws were just inched away from the jugular.

"I swear to the motherland, if you do not do this…" The cat could never finish her threat a huge explosion knocked the duo to the ground as Chenyite emerged from the rubble.

"I am afraid I cannot allow anyone amongst the Soviets, or any former threat to the Holy Empire awaken. INCRIMINATING STARE!" As soon as Kayla saw that energy heading in her direction, her memories came flooding back to her.

….the dreams made sense. You cannot EVER drink bleach! Oh, and she also remembered her past life as the Defender of the People. Whatever...

"Soviet Revolution Power!" Her clothes melted away and were replaced by a sailor uniform. Upon her forehead, appeared a hammer and sickle.

"Well, darn, so the communist in you had awakened," Chenyite said glumly. "I was hoping to kill you first.

"You capitalist pig," Sailor Soviet snarled. Kayla was never a charismatic person, now the words flowed together, accompanied by strange arm motions.. "You hurt my feelings deeply by trying to kill me. Now, you must apologize. In the name of the Soviet Union, I'm at you!"

Snapping, a comically large hammer appeared in her hands. Doing several dramatic poses, Sailor Soviet called out: "Great Purge!" Striking him with the attack, Chenyite's body burst into flames, leaving nothing but ash.

"That was rather anti-climatic," Kayla muttered as her outfit melted away. "I guess that means I am some combatistic communistic superhero that needs to crush some weird force of evil, right?" Her voice sounded disappointed, then suddenly perked up. "That means I can kill anyone I think is evil, right? Because I know some freshman that need to die."

"You may not kill freshman. Only evil things."

"What about republicans? They are evil."

Kit scoffed, "I think I need the KGB in here to reeducate you, comrade...How to phrase this delicately as not to hurt your left-wing beliefs. Granted, they follow the basic Teachings of Our Great Father. You are entitled to your own opinion, as long as it is politically acceptable, but as Sailor Soviet, you are not! In order to support out glorious cause, you must give up these silly beliefs for all American politicians are capitalist assholes.As Defender of the People you must...wait...are you even listening?"

"I am sorry," Kayla applogized, "I zoned out. What did you say?"

"Oh never mind,"

"Hey! Can I brag about this to my friends?" Kayla asked suddenly, her eyes lighting up. "They are going to be so jealous! I'll win at life!"

""Absolutely not!" Kit sounded scandalized.

"Okay...what about over the Internet, like Livejournal or Myspace?"

If the cute little whit cat's patience was just about ready to snap. "NO! This is your secret identity. How will it remain secret if you tell?"

"I'll use a different IP and make sure to post it anonymously...I promise."

Kit extended her claws and gently reminded Kayla that she could go for the jugular.

"Okay, fine! Geeze, I'll tell no one, all I have to say is though, Kitty cat you suck. Big time." As Kayla and Kit walked away from the fallen school, the two did not realize they were being watched by six pairs of eyes (so, three people. OOooh scary!) Each of them could not sense their call to destiny as of yet, but soon their fate would change. Forever.


End file.
